Distracted, Redux

There are benefits to splaying my soul out on the blogosphere. Any time I go a little nutso in this space, I get several e-mails from friends checking in on my mental health.

One boy friend, J from NJ, was especially kind on Tuesday when I said I felt like lying on my bed and crying:

"....so…i take a little break from my crazy day. stream of emailing and calling that doesn’t seem to quit. sip on some coffee and read the latest election news AND your blog. after doing so, I just wanted to hop on a plane and buy you a round of drinks or go for a run together…because it seemed so blue. sorry about everything… "when it rains it pours” is only a truth-tell-all, not comfort. and “this too shall pass” definitely lands flat in an email. Know that you have friends who care about you an awful lot…and hope things start picking up soon.

as for CFO. yeah. done. totally."

Several folks and I conversed via e-mail today over last night's think-tank on the CFO open-relationship proposition.

From a family girlfriend in Minnesota:

"I agree with your friend "M".....although the thought of being someone's occasional booty call could be appealing on certain levels, you deserve so much better than being just someone's "whenever I get around to writing/calling you" cake, as "M" put it so succinctly below. love you lots...

ps - I overslept today too. :)"

Then you've all met Bill's online persona in past entries. In person he's 6'3 and 220 and for years worked as a security guard. He and I went running on Tuesday after the initial receipt, so he got a raw earful about it then. His advice, equally, was to jettison the situation, but more aggressively:

B: How you doing? Make any decisions on the CFO? You really should just ignore him. You deserve better treatment that that.

K: Yeah....I should just be polite, firm, say no, don't settle for something half-assed.

B: BE POLITE? No f**king way. This guy hasn’t earned polite or nice, or even civil. You have a right to be angry. If you do him the honor of actually acknowledging his existence, I’d totally rip him. I don’t think he was honest with you from the start.

K: There is power in calm. If I rationally refute him I think that's more effective than losing my s#*t. It is possible to be cutting and brief.

B: Yeah, but its not nearly as emotionally satisfying as ripping this jerk a new one. He deserves to be made uncomfortable with how he treats people. I say go nuts…

K: Maybe I'll just sic you on him. We could set up a hit.

But the most impassioned advice came from another girlfriend, who has known me for a long while and heard every last blasted story of angst the last 10 years. She's had many herself that I've heard too, and thus rarely trivializes:

"i agree with M. he is being disrespectful to you and to who you are. despite you having admitted to this kind of a relationship, you have also talked closely with him about what you DO want (in openly addressing your profile, for example) and if he cares an inkling, he would put your desires to have something real over his desire to have a tasty little situation with women on both ends who require no work.

love is work, relationships are work and that is why they get deeper and get more rewarding with time. maybe it was easy to be with him because he knew he wasn't going to be held accountable, he could thrive in the superficial stages and have no need/urge to probe to the "if she's sick would i bring soup?" level. he has decided not to do that in his life. that's fine. he can. he has every right. but, honestly, you don't want that life and while you let him play that role in your life, you are denying yourself.

..... you are stuck in a cycle that is unhealthy becuase you crave what little he has to offer......you are selling yourself WAY short. being alone is tough, but being a sub-par karin is absolutely worse. you put blinders of complacency on when you keep hanging on to or waiting for him and instead you need to shake it all off and be you....

i am being harsh. yes. but i honestly believe you need to hit the wall here. i would write something short like: Thanks. I don't think anything more will work for me. Good luck.

The jury of peers has spoken. Free advice from people who care: priceless.

I did read the CFO's note again today but with less empathy and tolerance than yesterday.

It was a long, non-sleep week and tomorrow I've got the morning off before a rehearsal, run and cocktail party. So I'll sleep in. Then will probably take the laptop to Cafe Arpeggio, order a red-eye and an egg-tomato-cheese bagel sandwich, and write the man back.