On behalf of Single (in both the city and everywhere else) Women ...

.... it is my duty to join the chorus of folks lambasting Rush Limbaugh today and calling for someone with some decency to shut him down.

What an indefensible, misogynistic douchebag. 

I don't want to hear he should be defended because other men in public positions are also misogynistic and haven't been called out.   Is hate speech a tit-for-tat contest?  Calling women who fight for insurance to cover birth control are sluts and prostitutes who should videotape and share their sexual experiences for the "paying public"?  In the same breath lamenting the failure of family values?  Those phrases stand on their own. This is not political. This is hateful.

I'm thrilled that he has almost no political support.

Thrilled that even conservative commentators can't justify him.

Thrilled that he's being boycotted.

Thrilled that even his transparent apology to stop his ad-sponsor bleed is impressing few.

Including me.  I just signed this.  And it feels good.

Bachelor of the Day!

My e-mail account was pinged today by an OKC  'Hi!" courtesy of a 39-y-o man from Baghdad, Iraq: 

Not interested beyond the fact that I wondered who in Iraq was checking me out, I clicked for a peek.  He's a 59% Match (57% Friend).  He works in Computer / Hardware / Software and makes less than $20,000 a year.  He speaks English and Arabic.

He also seems to be, in another life, a 20-something woman from Virginia.

He likes long walks and being a good friend to others and enjoys driving to volunteer in his dad's office a couple times a week.  His peep-toed pumps are among the things he can't live without.  Also:

You should message me if:

- You want a new dental hygienist
- Need a gal to go to a concert with
- Need someone to talk about anything over a bottle of wine and good cheese plate
- Or....someone to potentially be a girlfriend.

Side note:  Don't let my age discourage you. I appreciate men in their 40's and 50's. In fact, some of my best friends are in that age group. Some would say I am old soul at times. Also, I don't mind traveling to NOVA... Gives me an excuse to get out of Richmond. Although, I am willing to host here as well! Lots of goodies here in Richmond.

In addition to the cleavage shot above, according to his profile pictures, he looks like this:

And this:

Incidentally:  between 6:30 p.m. when I first viewed his profile and 8:44 p.m. (now), his residence changed from Iraq to .... Bro, Finland.

Not that I am one to judge how other people productively or unproductively spend their time, but .... what the hell?

Feet (again)? Really?

One of my life mantras is, truthfully:  To each one's own.

This applies to anything:   to weird food likes,  to careers in questionable fields, to drug use, extracurricular sex lives, and one's decision to judge others if one feels like it.  Mostly because, despite my relatively open nature, I can't help but judge even when it goes against my own mantra.

(And it is my mantra, damn-it.)

That said:  what is it with folks and feet? Admittedly, I have an Inexplicable Need to Take Pictures of Them, as you well know.  But I would never pick a partner or a friend to be my partner or friend based on what their feet did or didn't look like,or if they liked me to touch their feet in a certain way or not, and I don't think I would ever choose to use it as a pick-up line.

Nonetheless, from a 40-y-old Bostonian on OKCupid recently, a couple hellos (in their entireties) to my inbox:

Yesterday:  "This is a lovely message."
Today:  "Do you have beautiful feet?"

In hiw writeup, he mentions nothing of any special foot requests or indications of why that might be important to him.   However, 1 of his 2 profile photos is a shot of a pair of black-haired shins, connected to feet in bright green socks printed with cartoon characters, without explanatory caption.

I'm curious what tomorrow will bring.

And I still don't get it.

Small, small Beantown

Marathon reflections are going to have to wait for Wednesday.

This is almost a better story.

Earlier this month, you might remember, I unwittingly set up an ex-date on another date, via the combination of my blog and OKC. When the Artist from the Western Suburbs e-mailed with the tale, I was, as I told him, stunned like I rarely get stunned.

Today I was amused to find the following Facebook message from "Random Blog Reader":

RBR: Are you the Karin of the Single in the City blog? I've enjoyed reading it and seeing some of the same guys I've at least received messages from (like the 22 year old Aussie). And I laughed when I read about Hallelujah Man, because I went out with him once. The date went well until I mentioned a mutual acquaintance of ours, who had briefly dated him. Then the date ended shortly after that ...... Best,

I wasn't quite stunned. Although had forgotten about Hallelujah Man. (Probably because he never responded to my witty love note, the fine fellow. Here's the reference.) RBR also went on to reference his interest in women's sweaters (which I also didn't remember having been a part of his Match.com profile).

Me back:

Karin: Match is a hoot, to be sure. My new theory is the more interesting their profile, the stranger they are in person....!

Yup, that's me and that's fun to hear from you. You are now the second person who has identified match/ok cupid men they know on the blog, which makes me believe is it a SMALL online dating pool in Boston.

Then her:

RBR: Oh, and I went out with MRothko, too, who was slightly annoyed that I insisted on Gmail's IM feature instead of Yahoo, but the first IM chat was highly amusing, so I agreed to meet up with him.

The thing is that the more interesting profiles make me more likely to contact them. Sigh.

It is indeed a small dating pool in Boston. I was telling one of my female friends about the dating parallels I've had with your own travails, and she thinks I might be your double.....

Maybe I should start a support group for 30-something female online daters contacted by idiosyncratic Bostonians with hankerings for (respectively) older ladies, certain types of their clothing, and certain varieties of chat function.

Although perhaps this blog is already taking on that task....?

Speaking of open options....

Found in my e-mail inbox this morning from an address I didn't immediately recognize:

Hey ,

How are you ? How was the balance of your summer ? Whats new with you ?

D

And then it came back to me. Early July. My random Craigslist posting late one night about being lonely at home with my cats. Answered by this gentleman, producing racy banter that lasted several days before necessarily ending....primarily because I suspected he was married.

So he has held onto my e-mail address for three months and picked a random Wednesday in October to re-emerge?

So I ask, why don't the people I care about keep my e-mail address and ask how I'm doing from time to time?

Sheesh.

The 101 (Warning: adult content)*

Perhaps this fixating on the number of blog posts is now officially tiresome on the third try. But hey. Today was another market tanker. The stomach ailment remains despite introducing Pepto Bismol into my diet. Dirty laundry remains unwashed and lying in piles across my bedroom floor. This girl is NOT in the mood for romancing. Much less writing about how nice it would be, on a cold October night, to know someone waiting at her apartment.....cooking dinner and changing the cat litter.....drawing a hot bath....

Sigh.

With this cynicism in mind....trying to ease the pain of another round of account liquidations this afternoon....I came across Daily Intel, the gossip blog of New York Magazine. Like any blog, it features routine updates along with an unmoderated reader comment section. Except that in this case, the commenters become the bloggers in a weekly feature known as "the sex diaries".

Yes. Blog commenters are invited to submit, for publication, a journal detailing their sex lives over seven days. Today, it was the "Self-Obsessed, Emotionally Detached Hedge-Funder". Twenty-five, heterosexual, single, male, harboring issues with anxiety, anorexia and sleeplessness and the variety of drugs he takes to combat all three. Feeling no irony, evidently, in printing this on the second day of a market free-fall.

*(When I suggest this is for adults only, I mean it. It is, after all, a sex diary, folks, and the man did have sex a couple times that week and explains it graphically one of those times. So enter at your own peril and level of comfort.)

Perhaps I post this to show where my relatively tame romantic quests fall on the spectrum of the blogosphere. Or that it is difficult to find a date with a normal, honest man in the city while working in finance. Or to relate to the fact that the author spent three occasions that week on Facebook, ogling his ex-girlfriend's profile and hating on her new boyfriend. (We've all been there, I'm sure.)

Or found myself oddly distressed at the following comment, coming after a particular outing with a new girl who obviously wants to see him:

"I get a call from her again while I'm at work. This is not good. Though it makes me feel great when I know someone wants me, because I'll never let them have what they want. "

As I always say, it's rough out there. These are some of the availables, folks....

Spam in the City

I tried to be positive tonight. Tried to go onto match.com and write flattering missives to my dream man when not really in the mood. (Sauteeing eggplant, green beans and canned tuna for my spaghetti sauce had approximately 100 times the appeal. Which I did first.)

Nonetheless. Before commencing my search, I opened my inbox to see if, by chance, someone might have thought to write me first. Three "winks" awaited me.

Ah, winks. My favorite. The equivalent of waving at the hot chick on the platform from a closed-door subway car as it pulls away.

I clicked on the first. No photo, which annoys me, but isn't a dealbreaker. He was 42, has an MBA, and likes everything that everybody should like: dinner with friends, his nieces and nephews, running and hiking, watching television. Standard stuff. A potential red flag in his last-read book: Alone in the Wilderness, about Dick Prenicke's 30 year solo existence in the Alaska wilderness.

Someone who likes an awesome book about solitude....just what everyone is looking for in a mate. Although I think I found a true red flag......he's looking for a "morning person." Yikes.

So I clicked to the second, from a man in Jamaica, Queens, NY.....and shortly thereafter, the third, from Kansas City, KS. Both were 42. Both looking for someone between 35-60. Both widowed with children not living at home (although, where were they then?). And both contained this killer profile info, truncated about 10 lines in for your sanity....

About my life and what I'm looking for
this a try. I am a 42year Old man. I just want to find one good real woman that knows how to treat a real man (Because I know how to treat a woman) I am a decent looking Man anThis is the first time, which I post my self on the internet (feels funny), because I normally meet people in person, but I guess it should not be a problem to meet the right person. (Yes it is) so I give d have a good heart and soul (sometimes to good that’s what people say) I am carring, very open & honest (I hate lies ) truthful, very romantic, funny and adventures love to do things, but also relax, love to cook, listen to soul, jazz and R&B, watch good movies etc. romance movie and my favorite is Love don't cost a thing and I am hard working and very ambitious, but know when to stop and take time for you.If you are looking for a good Husband and success relationship, call on me no games I will treat you like QueenThen maybe I am the one.......

My first Nigerian Scam lovers!

Hot, baby. Hot.

Death by blog

So I've encountered my first potential-date death-by-blog.

The Spy (nickname, mine) showed up for several weeks on the "who's viewed me" page of my match.com account. But our first communication was on Tuesday via my match blast to the finish, in which I wrote him because he was cute, Protestant, and hanging around.

Some things to know:

1) NDA is a "non-disclosure agreement."

2) My profile on match says this in the heading: "You too could be the next contestant...."

Followed by: "Writing a blog about my dating life...creative weigh-ins on this profile could gain you a featured moment. Or maybe just a shout back from me. "

- - - - -

To: The Spy
From: Karin
Date Sent: July 29
Subject: You must explain the hedges....

Hi there -I've seen you here now for awhile, have been meaning to write. Specific points about you that appeal: smile (great), outdoor-activity centered (great), the WSJ (ok, well, I do go with the politically-counterpointed Times, but....)

Although you know how these things go -- you're interesting to me....but how to break the ice? I noticed that you had two books in your recent reading that discussed "hedges." Are we talking about the financially-precarious ones of late, or the ones that need pruning? Inquiring minds choose to ask. Would love to hear from you if you've an answer.

Best, Karin

- - - - -

From: The Spy
To: Karin
Date Received: July 29
Subject: Working hard ??

Thanks for the email. How's your week going? I hope I'm going to stay off your blog???

......I read the WSJ purely for the business news/views, not the editorials. Currently working in gov't I get enough on the politically end. Especially as I work for a foreign gov't. I would love to have hedges that need pruning, alas I don't, only hosta's on my balcony that need watering and the ocasional weed pulled out....

....and what exactly is your blog all about? Thanks for the compliments.

- - - - -

To: The Spy
From: Karin
Date Sent: July 29
Subject: Re: Working hard ??

My blog is about dating, and about my attempts at dating. I consider match.com pretty fair game. You only get run-through if you say something inordinatey tactless.....nice people get nice entries. (and, usually, nicknames....!)

Truthfully, my education is in journalism and creative writing but it has been many years (6 since grad school) that I wrote on a regular basis. Since then a lot of my free time has been spent running.....but I've had foot issues since the marathon this spring and have had to re-focus....and the writing the blog is a part of that. It achieves the purpose of a) forcing me to write, period; and b) forcing me to keep up with the dating (i.e., if I write about doing something I then have a readership I'm accountable to...) ..........

....Although I'm interested in this "foreign govt." bit. A spy, perhaps? Which at this juncture has to be more lucrative than finance....

- - - - -

From: The Spy
To: Karin
Date Received: July 31
Subject: No blog

..... .Match is not fair game. I control what I do on match, not others. I don't think I can have my personal business reported to world via someones blog - So you going to sign my no-blog NDA so we can continue speaking ?? Your kinda cute and I would hate to not be able to proceed.

- - - - -

To: The Spy
From: Karin
Date Sent: July 31
Subject: Compromise?

So I had to think about what you're asking....because I did put it straight out there that I AM blogging about my dating life. That is part of me and my life. And that I'm a tactful person who keeps others' identities anonymous. Nonetheless, you're the first person to express qualms, which I can respect.

So I will sign the NDA if you agree: I can write that I have encountered someone who expresses qualms, and therefore while I might be talking to said someone, I will be talking offline. And that's as much as I will say.

- - - - -

From: The Spy
To: Karin
Date received: July 31
Subject: so....

It's my way or the high way............

Was pretty clear on my participation or not - your choice...

- - - - -

To: The Spy
From: Karin
Date Sent: August 1
Subject: Re: so....

That's pretty inflexible on a pretty small issue. Which is hardly attractive to me.

Good luck.

- - - - -

So this incident has given me several things to think about.

First: "kinda cute"?

Second: "my way or the high way"?

(Technically, "highway." As in "road"....not the "higher way." He's not an English major... or someone who proofreads his clichés.)

I assume there are multiple reasons he doesn't want his personal life spilled on my blog, and since not everyone is as share-happy as me, it's understandable. I respect that. And I'd also suggest that my compromise proposed keeping his privacy....while not forcing me to rescind an integral part of my personality.....or make me feel I was doing something dirty by blogging.

Nonetheless.

I wonder how wonderful, exactly, he thinks he is. That someone I've known for five e-mails and says I'm "kinda cute" would demand I give up something important just to talk to him. His choice in the first place to answer a girl who says "you too could be the next contestant." As I wrote to my FwaB Bill in an e-mail this morning:

"It's less about the blogging and more that if that is his modus operandi, well shit. He's an ass."

Or in other words, if he gets this wound up and stubborn about my writing, how would he react to a truly serious issue?

There's incongruity here. The Spy's match moniker incorporates the word "fun".... for someone with little apparent sense of humor. And his unwillingness to compromise about my blogging caused me to, resultingly, blog about him.

It's brutal out there!

My knight in.....in.....in....

Occasionally, as you have read, I have my moments of cynicism regarding Match.com. The love-to-look/hate-when-emails-are-ignored hopelessness.

However, all advice suggests that no matter how you feel about online dating.....don't ever write in your profile how much it embarrasses you. Or how disappointed you are in yourself for succumbing to this inevitable method of last-resort. Etc.

Here's a 36-year-old from Cambridge who viewed my profile today. These 2 paragraphs were the sum of how he described himself. I'd think it was joke, or a dare, to see if it might get any hits.....if I hadn't seen 5 others just like it in the past. All evidently, fleetingly, interested in me.

With your permission, I dub him Sir Lame-Ass.


Sir L-A: "I'm sitting at work, not busy, and I start surfing around on the net. Wouldn't you know, I come across Match.com. After looking around, I figure I have nothing to lose, (and as you probably guessed), so much to gain. Probably like you, I never thought I would be doing this. Until, one day I realized most of my friends were married and even begining to have kids (how did we become so old?). As their lives become more centered around family, my own newtork of friends begin to decrease, so what the hell, I'll give this a shot.

To be honest, I don't plan on much to come of this, not because of me, of course, but because of the little effort I'm putting into this. And, yes, you may think you deserve better, because of the time and effort you have invested in this, but there is not much better out there than me. Well, maybe some...but not much."

Pot sitters

On my way to bed a short time ago, I remembered hadn't yet done my physical therapy stretches. This takes about 20 minutes and I'm tired. But I need the plantar fasciitis to go away. (Hey, I know. We all need it go away, so I might stop writing about my feet.)

Hmmm. I'm online trolling about, to occupy my brain during these ankle contortions and rolling of golf ball with heel. Midnight is a productive hour to be on Match.com....it's busy! After all, you wouldn't be on match if you had a significant other to either be awake or asleep with. Lots of viewings. And historically, many of the more creative messages (anyone remember MRothko35?) have popped up about this hour.

So who has reappeared, but the Guy from Hartford. Fairly smitten in his prose, but who hasn't gotten back since my last e-mail to him....on June 13. His silence thus far had persuaded me to give him--and the idea of anything long distance--the heave-ho.

And, Mr. 22 from North Carolina hovers on the perimeter. You must recall from mid-June....

Mr. 22: "You're a very sexy women (sic)...."

Now I must confess to some intrigue at his boldness. And the part of his profile that said "I am an energetic, socially active and liberal university student." Scruffy beard, talent for photography, obsession with BMWs. All eventually endearing enough; I wrote back a few days later, for the hell of it, to wit:

K: "What's with the venture out of age range, young man?"

Inviting him to interpret me as a) creepy, b) sassy, c) or the cynical 35-year-old he hoped I wasn't. Maybe he hasn't yet recovered from me actually replying. I wouldn't know, because he hasn't come back with anything more. Yet he checks me out....for the second time in the last three days.

These men have messages in their inboxes that they do not answer. But they keep looking from afar. They are 20 years apart in age but act like identical teenagers scouting at the homecoming dance.

It is not my turn to write.

When are they going to either use the pot or get off it?

Wishes DO come true...

The age tables turning a few inches? Or are we entering the unknown realm of call-girl for hire?

You be the judge.


From: 22-year-old man, on match.com, from North Carolina
To: Karin
Date received: June 16, 2008
Subject: Hello

Hi,

You're a very sexy women. Would you be interesting in getting together in to know one another a bit better and perhaps see what kind of fun we can have?

PS - I'm actually in Newton, MA despite what my profile says.

Are exclamation points also part of the cure...?

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