Distracted

Economy tanking. Obama in the lead. Work projects promised and piling up.

Yet all I can think about is how--or if--I'm going to respond to the CFO's e-mail from Tuesday night.

Overslept this morning, out of bed at 8:18. Still took a 12-minute shower, because for 9 minutes I stood with the water running on my back, staring at the soap bottle, thinking about the 100 different ways I might phrase my e-mail:

"What the hell. How long have you been dating her? Why didn't you write me 3 weeks ago and tell me the situation has changed? To tell me you were off the market? If you enjoyed our passionate moments so much, why weren't you missing them enough to write me and tell me? Oh yeah, otherwise occupied."

Then, to myself:

"Like hell you're going to respond. Ignore him. Three weeks? Now that he's in this cozy set-up he can just say mea culpa like he hadn't been forgetting about you? Keeping all his options, of course."

In other imaginary conversations I lecture and rain down guilt with all my evidence of his selfish egoism. Or am terse and blunt (i.e. "Take your suggestion and stick it...."), but with style. Then I wonder why I'm even thinking about it.....and then get intensely sad for a few minutes. Kind of because I have a man who likes me enough....but obviously doesn't like me enough.

Then it's quickly to the fairy-tales.

"It could be kind of cool... The occasional casual date... Still no strings, but a good time. I should be so glad that he's thinking about me..."

If you're just getting the bulletin, I'm bad at ending things. It comes from having had such a good and easy time when we were together. Makes me want to forgive him and deny that, under the surface, I feel he deceived me.

Meanwhile, about 10 minutes ago, my friend M wrote--yes, the one who has heard more than her desired share of this situation. She isn't nearly so ambiguous:

"...the CFO's response angers me quite a bit. Basically his email is saying "I don't respect you and really I just want my cake and to eat it too. Do you mind if I eat it off of you?" A**! I understand that you two believe in open communication and have always been honest but does he realize how wrong it is to send an email like that? Did he READ it first? Clearly not. I'm glad you're done with him and I hope you sent him an email telling him so."

Touché, M.

The longer I wait to answer, the easier I'm finding it to simply ignore the e-mail and see how he responds to that. Two days and six hours it has sat unanswered, even though I've read it 20 times.

It should be so much clearer than this.