Money matters (a lot?)

In May I went to Washington DC, where I went to coffee with a longtime friend, Alan.

Before explaining why this meeting is relevant to anything, let me give you a sense of our shared history: we met in 1993 on the staff of our college newspaper, The Concordian. Soon he became editor and developed a reputation as a liberal subversive...an intelligent smart-ass. Wore his hair and his cardigans like Kurt Cobain, played REM's Automatic for the People on a loop in the newsroom, and taught me chess at one of the first trendy coffee shops.....on University Ave in Fargo, and whose name I wish I could still remember.

I was pretty shy then, and pretty in awe. Alan is pretty bright. Our relationship has since gained nuance, but at the time I was just happy that he entertained me. For my senior writing seminar thesis I included a 30-page profile of him....and probably took it on just to have an excuse to sit with him while he manned his dorm's front desk, guitar in lap, theorizing and illustrating how REM's simple chords in "Nightswimming" were the basis of its appeal.

Post-college, our journalism careers wildly diverged. Me: features writer for a weekly in southwestern Minnesota....now working a low-level finance job and writing a blog about dating. Alan: managing editor of the University of Minnesota paper, business reporter at several dailies in the Midwest, promoted to cover the agriculture scene in Congress around the time of the original 9/11....talking to senators a lot, which he still does. Along the way he bought a pickup, moved to the political neutral zone, and won a fair sum of money on television game shows....Jeopardy!, Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

You can tell I've written about Alan before, no?

The gist is that I look up to the man. And no matter how big a deal he has become, or how many times he hangs out with Trent Lott, he is still a small-towner from Motley, Minnesota. And he doesn't forget we are friends.

So, dragging my butt back to the point....I met Alan for coffee (at Caribou Coffee near the Capitol , no less) the Friday before Memorial Day. He'd been covering the 2008 Farm Bill, which had seen action two days before, so he was looped and caffeinated from a week of marathon voting sessions. We discussed his work for awhile; we talked about our respective running; we dipped a toe into presidential politics and quickly retreated; he noted, to my awe, that he hadn't yet spent his game show winnings.

Naturally, the conversation floated around to Significant Others....both of us still unmarried these 13 years since graduation. I, of course, referenced this lovely blog as evidence I was trying to secure one. Alan, on the other hand, was several months into a relationship that was tracking well....she had Midwestern roots, had lived abroad, worked in journalism too, generally had her stuff together.

Then he brought up the woman he dated just prior. All I can remember is that she evidently carried a large load of credit card debt. And how, among other qualities, fiscal irresponsibility made her unattractive as a girlfriend. Essentially saying: who wants to date someone whose bills you might someday have to help pay off?

There was a moment of silence. I contemplated my many, many, many thousands of dollars of loans and credit yet-unpaid...as well as a conspicuous lack of game show winnings.....

"Well I guess it's a good thing we're not dating," I replied.

I chuckled. He chuckled. We didn't go further.

If I had ever entertained thoughts of how by some weird karma I would marry this man, with that statement I effectively severed ring finger from contention.

We're still friends, thank God.

All this came to mind because of a NY Times article suggesting that one of the best gauges of a successful relationship is financial compatibility. Those of you in marriages and shared households are most likely saying, "um, duh!" Take turns with the bills. Save for vacations. Live within means, and agree about it.

I concur with the concepts outlined therein. However, they also scare the shit out of me. And makes me wonder if in order to succeed in dating, I'm going to need a second job, stat.

Especially since I've been going out with a Chief Financial Officer. (Who, by the way, wrote this afternoon, and does want to go out again.)

Yikes, indeed.