Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Purging

Yesterday I decided to cut someone out of my life.

It was a pretty straightforward decision. This person and his drug-like qualities pulled me in and out of his orbit several times the past year. A few days ago, when he decided to push me back to the perimeter yet again, it became clear I didn't need to give him another chance to ever come back. So I told him I was going to disconnect him and I wanted him to do the same to me.

He didn't disagree. He even apologized for having ever hurt me. (Very non-Lifetime movie. I'm happy for the civility of it all. He and I have not always been that civil.)

Last night, walking home from Shrove Tuesday dinner at church, I remembered that cutting people off completely really hurts. Even if completely logical. I found myself trudging bareheaded through the slush, that Jason Robert Brown song in which he promises, "I'll be your prince, I'll be your saint, I will go crashing through fences...." on iPod loop, looking up at how the wet, thick snow was building layers on the tops of tree branches and how it falling through streetlight beams always makes my chest heavy, which in turn makes me think of what makes me sad.

Damn soaring Jason Robert Brown lyrics and damn beautiful snow.

It took until this morning for me to disconnect my Facebook link. After I hit "remove from friends," a second box popped up: "are you sure?" And I had to stop and think before I did it.

Funny, with all the drama of my weekend I almost forgot today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, and as a good Lutheran I had not yet thought of something to "give up" for the season.
What appropriate timing.

5 comments:

squigkato said...

@Karin. Well, as a good Catholic, I've decided both to increase civility and to give up needless anger: just to let things be. Might help.

Mrs. Hansen said...

*hug*

Heidi said...

Ah, I can relate to this post so well as I recently did the same thing. And had the same pause on fb. And had a similar cathartic moment, for me, walking through the rain in the city in my favorite pair of yellow heels. Ugh.

Thanks for writing your blog, really.

Karin said...

@Heidi. I think the favorite thing about sharing stories is that often the very specific is what is very universal. Believe me....it helps me, too.

@Squigkato. Well, I did make the executive decision this morning to give up the chocolate and candy component of my diet until Easter. But my church embraces the concept of "giving something up, taking something on"....and civility could easily fit into the second.

@Mrs. Hansen. I hope you had a TREMENDOUS V-Day weekend for the shop and still wish you delivered to Boston so I could patronize you. Maybe I'll buy chocolates for Easter....

Cleary Squared said...

I had that same moment a couple of weeks ago when I not only dumped one friend, I dumped about six or seven others related to said person.

The short of it: she used to go to my high school and was a long-time crush of mine. She posted pictures - nothing too risque - but flashbacks to what she and her friends did that the rest of us couldn't do brought me to realize she was not serious about being friends unless you did what she did - which was party and act like a total fool.

Indeed, it was hard to press that X to eliminate the connection, but you don't congratulate yourself on getting loaded as you're approaching 40. None of them have responded back save one, and even then I ignored their request. Since then, I've added six more, so no huge loss.