Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Chat lessons

The sweet-talking HBI and I duked it out online recently.  A couple times, for several hours at a pop.  I'm doubtful we will again -- either argue or, most likely, talk at all.

Oh well.  Contrary to yesterday's conviction, my 6 weeks of engaging him haven't been a total waste of my time.  I've learned stuff.

Like,

1) Don't get into an argument with a professional male poker player after drinking Guinness.  It ruins both the argument and the Guinness.

2) If you decide to engage in an follow-up argument with a professional male poker player while trying to rationalize the argument you got into a couple nights earlier after drinking Guinness, don't be tempted to improve the situation by explaining that your friendly monthly visitor may also have contributed to your foul mood.

3)  If you went ahead and did that anyway, keep in mind that this particular male who insists he isn't angry while simultaneously insisting you are "too sensitive" is using this knowledge of your monthly visitor (that he calls "aunt flo") to unfair advantage and cannot be trusted.  And is, probably, angry.

4) Same goes if he -- who for 2 weeks sent  2 a.m. texts with "thinking of you" messages and *kiss* emoticons -- then goes on to explain the "5-hour-f***-a-thon" he had Sunday night with a girl he met in a bar.   He might insist it is not because he was angry at you for not being online to chat with him Saturday night, or for not responding quickly enough to his text at 10:30, wanting to make plans.  Of course he wasn't.  Which isn't at all the reason, either, for him to then provide his estimate of "close to 200 women, more or less, and 90% from online" that he has been with when you congratulate him on the "5-hour-f***-a-thon." This is probably not the moment to then say you are "honored just to be talking with such a stud."   Because he will probably say that you are being "too sensitive."

5)  Furthermore, if he claims "I didn't want you to think I was sitting in front of my computer all day, desperately waiting to talk with / see you," he might actually have been.  He also is most definitely not being "too sensitive".  Or at all angry.  Probably not a good idea to suggest either.

6) Especially because at this point he will probably ask if there "is any chance you could be a rational human being?" And you will decide, by his estimation, you probably cannot.  It is OK if you don't understand what his estimation of "rational" might be.  If you think it is he who is not a rational human being, this is probably the time to keep this information to yourself, because he might go on to claim that he "deals with his emotions appropriately," "does not have hormones coursing through him at all times that make it impossible to be rational," and that when he does have hormones, he just wants to "put his d*** in something" and "doesn't cry about it."

7) You might also have to listen to him claim that if you believe "this somehow implies I am sexist, I am not."  Which will probably be the line that makes you decide you are ready to stop listening to him imply anything.

8) Which, by this moment, is probably a wise decision. Rejoice ... for it might be the first one you've made.