I apologize for the lame opening, but I'm still stun-gunned from the date meltdown of Saturday. Whip lashed, really. How quickly a misunderstanding turned into a battle of indignant silences and into the end of something.
My date and I, you see, had been seeing each other regularly -- albeit infrequently -- for a couple months since meeting on OKC. You haven't heard about him because I withheld publication at his request, and I'm not giving him a nickname for the same reason. But they were worthwhile dates, and I'm sure he would agree. Varied and comfortable and companionable, probably a dozen.
Saturday was another such. This night, we were out at a bar where we encountered some of my theater friends. After a fashion, I left him at the table alone while I went to talk to them. Upon my return he didn't tell me he was upset, even though I now realize we moved into less positive conversation. Perhaps I should have realized my etiquette breach and sensed his mood.
But 3 beers after a long day tends to cloud perception. Which contributed to why again, later, I crossed the room to talk to the girls without inviting him. This then became his invitation to leave the bar without saying goodbye. It was his equal justification 10 minutes later for not responding to my 3 frantic phone calls and 2 texts looking for him, the last one saying: Please call me.
I cannot remember ever feeling as impotent as I did on that Cambridge street corner at 12:07 a.m., getting voicemail voicemail voicemail.
In fact, when I got home, I was seconds from screaming murder into an e-mail before recalling how his silence had so handcuffed me. That I could thusly handcuff him back.
Sunday held the silence.
Monday came. He wrote first, late morning, pointing out my many errors of judgment, still angry that I hadn't yet apologized, suggesting we call things off. I promptly replied, suggesting that he hadn't let me apologize, admitting lack of sensitivity but in turn lambasting his "infantism" and asking why he didn't tell me he was mad when he was mad before turning deliberately unkind, and if this was his default reaction to my faults I couldn't see any reason why I should want to see him again, either.
And that I was sorry this is how we were ending things.
So apparently we have mutually ended what we had, via e-mail and hugless, and I'm sad. Not entirely surprised. We always acknowledged substantial obstacles to anything long-term, but had maintained because of an intangible vibe that was quite good when it was good. After all, it was preferable to being alone.
Now we will go down in my journal as example of how lack of honesty guillotined a relationship. Both of us guilty. If he expressed his frustration straightforwardly without waiting for me to guess it, I could have apologized. Or if I listened more and noticed his feelings, then asked about them, he would have felt invited to be straightforward.
Perhaps he wouldn't have felt alone, and then he wouldn't have left me alone, and then we wouldn't together, now, be alone for real.
4 comments:
@Karin. Give him a week or two. If he doesn't return your voice mails by then, your relationship would have suffered from a very short half-life anyway. Refresh and regroup.
That's a hard one. If you are both at fault (which is how you presented it and I agree), then it doesn't mean that the relationship is irreconcilable.
If you were both able to admit fault and work through the issue at hand, then it's possible to get past the obstacle. While communication is always key, it can be wise to know when to hold your tongue, especially in anger. But, the silent treatment is not an acceptable way to treat anyone.
Lack of honesty/communication doesn't always have to mean the death of a relationship. It's how you both deal with the discovery of that "lack" that defines where the relationship will go.
Wishing you love and rest..
I concur with Mrs. Hansen, lack of honesty/communication doesn't always mean the death of a relationship. If it did, then Ken and I would have broken our relationship about a 100 gillion times over. ;-)
We are human. We make mistakes. It's when we forgive each other, we build a relationship of love.
@Squig. Ah, you missed the part where we cussed each other out over e-mail. "Relationship" in dustpan.
Ladies, I get what you're saying. I think the quick demise in this situation had a lot to do with the approach we took in going out ... more convenient than necessary, without an eye to the long-term.(Of course I speak for myself, although I'd suggest he might have felt the same.)
When he got mad at me -- and I know that night he also was not feeling well, mood exacerbated by loud music in the bar -- he had more incentive to make himself than us better.
I took issue with him fighting rude with rude. As you say, Mrs. H, that's when I discovered how he might "deal" with certain things. And this gave me equally low incentive to be sympathetic and apologize first.
(Gosh, wouldn't it be nice if all these emotions could be sorted out this neatly as they're going on...."
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