Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Would Jane admire my patience?

Those of you have have listened to me whine over the years are well aware that I have never had a boyfriend.

(Is this a shock to the rest of you? In any Jane Austen novel this admission would qualify me as a triple spinster. )

There have been many occasions where I thought I did. Or was well on my way to. We met. We flirted for a day or for three months. We held hands on the Chapel Choir tour bus. We watched thunderstorms by candlelight and drew patterns on each other's forearms. We went to Wally's before walking along the Charles at 2 a.m. He picked me up at the airport. He remembered that I didn't like the hops in IPA and ordered me something else. Or that I take my coffee dark with cream and Equal, and ordered that without asking.

Then date 4, 5 or 6 would come...and there would be a grand silence that all the e-mails in the world wouldn't penetrate...or an admission that he had met a 19-year-old and thought he was in love....or a suggestion that the "spark" between us had never sparked.

It was always date 4, 5 or 6. And I'd always be thrashed....far more emotionally invested than 4, 5 or 6 dates justified. (Not exactly picking out bridesmaids' dresses. But happy. Excited. Hopeful enough that I had probably mentioned him to my mother, thus having to rescind the name in every subsequent conversation when she asked after him.) And I'd be thrashed for a good long 4, 5 or 6 months. Crying on the T. Crying when his favorite song came on the radio.

Tonight while crossing the Financial District on foot, I encountered a favorite ex-roommate. He's a gossip and a clothes horse and, like me, a single serial dater with 100 stories of loves-lost....who always wants to talk about it. I once did the favorite-song crying-thing on his shoulder.

But that was 2 years ago, so we had to play catch-up. We immediately set to discussing recent adventures: he with a next-door neighbor (random lust over the weekend) and me with the CFO. We also hit on the less successful outings: him coming across an ex-boyfriend on Craigslist....me surprised by a recent--and most dangerous--flirtation with an extremely unavailable man. It seemed that for every story I had, he had one to relate with similar temptations or fall-offs.

"We must have been born under the same star," I said.

Which in hindsight is prescient, because his birthday is the day after mine. (We're both Aries!) But what made me include Tim in this tale tonight is a tale he told: His life has been rife with funshort relationships. But unfailingly, at the point he realizes that it might become anything more (as in BLAM! I really like this guy!), it all changes. He gets dumped. Or loses interest.

That is precisely how I feel. And have felt so many times that, recently, I sat down and wrote out how many times I hadn't made it past date 4 and realized there is no way to remember them all.

And then I remembered (yes, seriously, and not just for the purposes of this blog entry) something I had read from Uncle Ben Stein yesterday:

"Long-term investment pays off. The impatient day player will fare poorly without inside information or market-controlling power. He or she will have a few good days but years of agony in the world of love. To coin a phrase: Fall in love in haste, repent at leisure."

Perhaps I am lacking in patience. Wanting so much to be in love that I'm willing to overlook faults to assume that I am there long before it is true. Not really knowing the person well enough. Feeling hacked to death when my man's better nature reveals itself in the form of a louse, a recalcitrant, or a person who just doesn't find me interesting. Jumping so far ahead of myself I jump right into that man's fears....and spending months regretting my rashness.

I'm enjoying this revelation. Because perhaps I might apply it to future dates: go with the flow for way longer than I think I should.

Ah Jane, I'm going to be patient. Don't judge my spinsterdom.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Who did you hold hands with on the Chapel Choir bus? Tell me, tell me tell me!

Karin said...

To the grave, Rhea, to the grave.....

Justin said...

Patience is a virtue, but I think Jane may have the stregth of the self summed up:

There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.


-Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

Unknown said...

You would have been on the shelf 15 years ago, according to Jane. :)

No one can accuse you of serial monogamy.

But patience isn't so bad. I think this entire adventure is an exercise in it.

Anonymous said...

I don't want to sound too pious, but God has already selected the one. But you need to keep looking to find out where God has hidden him. You probably won't find him at 2 am walking the Charles. Even though you are young (from my perspective), you need to get to bed earlier!!!! I'll bet grandmother will agree...but of course, we are of different generation and we think differently than you young folks do. d

Candace said...

My Dad once told me as I worried about a single friend, "Don't worry about her. She'll be fine. It's not like it's baseball. I mean, statistically speaking, finding love is easier than baseball. You only need to get one hit, you have years at bat and, sure, you might have some strikes, but there are no outs. You just keep playing until you win."

Anonymous said...

Well, patience is a virtue. Especially with men. Ramping up the seriousness level too early can appear needy or clingy, and those are both excellent man-repellents. Men spook easily. And you have to give yourself time to get to know his warts, too, after the initial irrational optimism. It's hard to be rational about falling in love, though!

Anonymous said...

no, I seriously need to know now. Send me a note on facebook. Otherwise I will start guessing. Do you really want me to start guessing publicly? (is it just me or does publicly look like it is spelled wrong?) TELL ME. tell me.