It seems both a good and bad thing to have reached a level of self-awareness in my interactions with men, in that I can see exactly what I'm doing and how it will probably play out. Even if I can't decide how I want it to. Current case: Piano Man, who for many weeks has been faithful in checking in just to say hi or see if I feel OK or to share a YouTube link of Bach transcriptions or ask if I want to talk on the phone later. I've gotten used to him writing and find myself disappointed if he doesn't. But through the drama and exhaustion of tech week, I wasn't always prompt to reply. Sometimes from sheer logistical complications; sometimes out of annoyance. Despite our geniune admiration for certain qualities in each other (which is there, no doubt) as well as real curiosity about what we could have in person, we reach towards each other in unequal measure. The more I know him without the chance to meet him, the more I think he at most would be an excellent friend to drink wine with, attend concerts with, and pretend to be erudite with, because he's smart, well-spoken, and interested in things I'm interested in. But the more he knows me, even if he's still glad to go multiple rounds about piano transcriptions, he even more wishes we would return to the first 3 times we talked, which were the 3 times we most graphically spoke about sex. When he wants to talk in person in the early a.m., he wants to talk about sex. I used to feel similarily, but I find without meeting him I can't summon the same interest. Perhaps because I want to mean more to someone than being the go-to-girl whenever the mood strikes. The last time we talked -- late at night, late last week -- we hadn't been on for 5 minutes and he tried to persuade me to get on Skype and undress on camera, and I was so not interested I couldn't fake it and I told him so. He joked that it was OK, that I simply "owed him one later." But he was then uninterested in talking further. Of course. So here we are. Yesterday we exchanged e-mails, but only at my instigation. Today, it's now his turn and he's visibly online and not responding, and now I'm frustrated because he's not writing. He hasn't texted since the last time we talked. Because he's now either distracted elsewhere or he has moved on. I know that I, in a manner of speaking, rebuffed him first by my antipathy, then by unwillingness to go where he was asking me to go -- so I should be OK with his inattention. One would think.
Always, with this confusion.
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