Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Floored (Redux)

From the Single in the City archives (8/13/10):
"You know me ... Queen of Cynicism. Surprised by nothing. So much never surprised that I would hate to disappoint everyone by admitting that sometimes, I am.
Naw, I'll admit it. Tonight I got floored.
"Just home from Rooftop Thursday with the Michigan folks, chilling on the patio with a bag of popcorn and the Gmail account, and up shows an erstwhile boy who, in April and May, I chatted with enough to matter. The classic he's-10-years-younger-but-we-have-so-much-in-common type. (Yes. Mock if you will.) We had two Almost Dates. May was the last failed attempt and we hadn't talked since."
During the chat we went on to have,  he asked if I had found true love yet. He said he had not. He said he day-dreamed about me all the time. How even though we were both busy, he wanted to meet so we could both have some excitement in our lives.

He didn't realize that as we chatted, I was reading his blog. A blog that talks about his competitive recreational pursuits, mostly, but also references a woman he calls his wife. It shows pictures of their wedding, which had happened just months before.

Incredulous he didn't remember sharing his blog address with me, I decided not to make a scene. He has problems enough without me taking it personally. The conversation trailed to a close, and I knew I would ignore him if he were ever to contact me again.

I'm still planning to do that.

However, I admit to reading his blog. Pretty regularly, actually. The subject is a recreation I'm well familiar with, and he's passionate enough about it to make it interesting. He admits to a long history with depression and medication and how his devotion to his recreation has helped him get healthy. How he's looking forward to moving from New England after finishing school in May.

It made me empathetic for his struggles rather than pissed at his lying to me and attempts at cheating on his wife. Having been lower myself than I like to be for a number of months now, I've wondered if the depression issues probably contributed to his bad behavior. (Kind of like how mine have contributed to double-digit weight gain and insomnia.)

This past Sunday at 2:35 a.m., 8 months since Erstwhile Boy and I last said goodbye, this OKC message arrived.
Miss talking to you.

How have you been?"
He still claims to be single. He still doesn't lie on his profile about his age or where he lives or make any effort to hide his identity.

And I was sad. Both for him and his wife. But it also gave me pause. I think to the dozens of his blog entries since the new year. Touting challenges set and met. Excitement for his life after school and the new job and new town, for goals, for integrity. Yet at the end of the night he is lonely, quiet, trying to find his fantasy outside of all these things.

In certain ways he is just like me with my public face as a kicker of asses and my private nights, which rarely display the same person.

So, I think, I understand why he wrote.
Day 9 of 31: 3.1 miles
March Total: 12.45
2011 Total: 115.51


Anonymous said...

Karin - he is nothing like you - you are not cheating on your spouse.

Karin said...

@anonymous. True.

I was speaking more to how that, since I last talked to him, I have come to recognize that when I'm feeling low emotionally, self-destructive (which often effect those around me) behaviors manifest themselves very easily. It seems I have only heard from this man whenever he is down in the dumps.