Friday, May 7, 2010

Love is a crap-shoot

I like when Love Letters publishes letters that sound like I could have written them, like the one from yesterday  (except the lesbian and therapy and having had a long-term relationship parts).

OK.  More concisely, I just like it because every so often when I've been tooling along dateless for several weeks and I get to a beautiful Friday on a weekend with no dates to anticipate -- I'm reminded how long I've been dating and how I've still got no boyfriend to show for it.
"I find myself in need of some combination of wise counsel, kindness, and perhaps tough love. My question is: do you think some people are just not meant to be in relationships? Is it possible that some of us are hard-wired in ways that make it impossible to have love that sticks around?

"Clearly, I fear I am one of these people. I am in my late 30s and recently single after the demise of a relationship that I thought could be for good (or at least for whatever future I can currently imagine). I am very tired of finding myself in this place. I have no trouble making and keeping wonderful friends, and the ones who've known me for 20-plus years assure me that I am lovely and kind and smart and the right woman will be lucky to have me. I'm attractive enough to occasionally get hit on in bars (usually by men, and I am a lesbian so this isn't super helpful in terms of finding a partner). I have a professional job, had therapy when I needed it, and have excellent table manners, so the more obvious obstacles to connecting with someone aren't an issue.

"All of which leads me to wonder: is there just something inherent in some subset of people to which I belong that poses an insurmountable barrier to being in a relationship? Are some of us just doomed and would I be better served by giving up the ghost, accepting that I was meant to remain single, and trying to make peace with that?  I feel like I have totally lost perspective on the whole thing and would be grateful for any you can provide."
Meredith, to her credit, suggests that she sounds completely normal and that it's just a matter of time.

Readers, at least the first 30 or so, were also uniformly kind

From a girl:
"I have a wide range of friends in the 35+ range; many were single past 35, it seems slowly but surely, even the straggles find love. So, my money is on you finding it… someday. Maybe not today, or next month or even next year – but I believe it’s out there. That said, you do have to make peace; accept being alone (at least for now) b/c there are no guarantees. There is no rhyme or reason to love – I know beautiful, educated, sweet single gals in their late 30s, and I know just as many not-so-pretty, be-atchy chicks that landed fantastic guys. So, you have to stop thinking it’s something about you… love is kinda a crap-shoot."
From a guy:
"While I do believe there is a subset of people who are not meant to be in relationships, I wouldn't be so quick to put yourself in the cat hoarding spinster category. (OK.  Why is being a woman and owning cats SO UNATTRACTIVE?  Someone ... please ....)   In your late 30s, you are still young and have time to explore the world for Ms. Right. If, however, in another decade you find yourself caked with too much makeup, nursing a cosmopolitan at an otherwise empty bar reeking of cheap cigarette smoke, and mumbling "everything gonna be all right now", then you will know that are you are hard wired for loneliness."
Probably the rightest of all:

"There's nothing wrong with you. You sound wonderful. I hope that you are as confident in real life as you are on paper, because confidence is super sexy and if you believe in yourself and what you have to offer, the right person is going to come along and fall in love with all of it."


Random Blog Reader said...

Oddly enough, I had been pondering the same issue just before that letter was published, and Meredith's response brought tears to my eyes (in a good way). It could be that just knowing you're not the only one worrying makes you feel better.

Tashia said...

ah, I love that this comes today as I spent a week cuddling other people's babies and pondering decades long successful marriages I see all around me.

Your timing is lovely- as is your blog and YOU!

Anonymous said...

as a single 34 year old on boston, i read that same love letter and felt a bit better about my current state (having just ended yet another relationship and owning a cat). from time to time i feel like it's just not in the cards for me, but every day i hear about people meeting the loves af their lives at 30, 40, 50, 60+... i keep hoping. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Karin,

Thought you'd get a kick out of this article ( - perhaps outsourcing is an option, or perhaps you've chatted with a "concierge".