OK. More concisely, I just like it because every so often when I've been tooling along dateless for several weeks and I get to a beautiful Friday on a weekend with no dates to anticipate -- I'm reminded how long I've been dating and how I've still got no boyfriend to show for it.
"I find myself in need of some combination of wise counsel, kindness, and perhaps tough love. My question is: do you think some people are just not meant to be in relationships? Is it possible that some of us are hard-wired in ways that make it impossible to have love that sticks around?Meredith, to her credit, suggests that she sounds completely normal and that it's just a matter of time.
"Clearly, I fear I am one of these people. I am in my late 30s and recently single after the demise of a relationship that I thought could be for good (or at least for whatever future I can currently imagine). I am very tired of finding myself in this place. I have no trouble making and keeping wonderful friends, and the ones who've known me for 20-plus years assure me that I am lovely and kind and smart and the right woman will be lucky to have me. I'm attractive enough to occasionally get hit on in bars (usually by men, and I am a lesbian so this isn't super helpful in terms of finding a partner). I have a professional job, had therapy when I needed it, and have excellent table manners, so the more obvious obstacles to connecting with someone aren't an issue.
"All of which leads me to wonder: is there just something inherent in some subset of people to which I belong that poses an insurmountable barrier to being in a relationship? Are some of us just doomed and would I be better served by giving up the ghost, accepting that I was meant to remain single, and trying to make peace with that? I feel like I have totally lost perspective on the whole thing and would be grateful for any you can provide."
Readers, at least the first 30 or so, were also uniformly kind
From a girl:
"I have a wide range of friends in the 35+ range; many were single past 35, it seems slowly but surely, even the straggles find love. So, my money is on you finding it… someday. Maybe not today, or next month or even next year – but I believe it’s out there. That said, you do have to make peace; accept being alone (at least for now) b/c there are no guarantees. There is no rhyme or reason to love – I know beautiful, educated, sweet single gals in their late 30s, and I know just as many not-so-pretty, be-atchy chicks that landed fantastic guys. So, you have to stop thinking it’s something about you… love is kinda a crap-shoot."From a guy:
"While I do believe there is a subset of people who are not meant to be in relationships, I wouldn't be so quick to put yourself in the cat hoarding spinster category. (OK. Why is being a woman and owning cats SO UNATTRACTIVE? Someone ... please ....) In your late 30s, you are still young and have time to explore the world for Ms. Right. If, however, in another decade you find yourself caked with too much makeup, nursing a cosmopolitan at an otherwise empty bar reeking of cheap cigarette smoke, and mumbling "everything gonna be all right now", then you will know that are you are hard wired for loneliness."Probably the rightest of all:
"There's nothing wrong with you. You sound wonderful. I hope that you are as confident in real life as you are on paper, because confidence is super sexy and if you believe in yourself and what you have to offer, the right person is going to come along and fall in love with all of it."