Even though my brain is fully integrated into the capabilities of our small world, I still marvel that I was in the lobby of a health club in Boston talking about my love life with a woman who sounded like she was in the next room but really was 3000 miles away, helping hold North and South America together there on her isthmus.
She was also giving me sage advice. Cousin J is good that way.
"Karin," she said. "You've got to work on that sleep thing. Reading too much in the blog about how tired you are."
Oy, and here it be, 1:16 a.m. And here I sit on the patio, feeling today's draining humidity finally drain away as the thunder begins, lightning following, the breeze gaining energy. Not planning to sit out here in a storm but....
(Here start the raindrops on the leaves. I've got about 5 minutes before they filter down through my patio roof.)
I thought about Cousin J's comment as I left the club shortly after our call and embarked on the world's sweatiest 5.6-mile run. It's true I've not been sleeping well. And it's also true that I cannot remember the last time I felt joyful, which I think often has a lot to do with why someone either cannot or chooses not to sleep as much as she should.
This came as a solid realization about 2 miles in. It's been a couple months I've felt this way. Even though in that time I've seen musicals and concerts and movies and found them all to have been worth seeing, ate fried clams at The Barking Crab and was taken out for martinis several times and beer several times more, and sang many glorious hymns in church and played glorious cello duets with a friend, and saw a North Dakota sunset and half my high school graduating class and my 11-month-old nephew and my 89-year old grandma and my parents, whom I never get to see, and have had some stellar sex and titillating, flattering IM conversations with some other stellar-looking men who call me cute, and enjoyed several helpings of coffee-chip ice cream in waffle cones on hot, humid nights and found the perfect Vinyasa yoga teacher and retained my job in the midst of a corporate merger and got a new pair of Asics and started running, even though it's a little painful, and saw the Tall Ships and put my feet in the Atlantic Ocean, twice.
I have love ... that's evident. (See: previous paragraph.) I have people around me. I have finally achieved some tan on my legs and my impatiens are pink and orange and white and overflowing the barrels they're planted in, and I'm sitting among them in silence, having just come from a shower with washed hair.
And so I'm trying to figure out, where is the joy.
I cannot remember the last time I wanted to throw my arms in the air and dance down the street, even on the most joyous of occasions. Do I not have it because I can't sleep? Or do I not sleep because I don't have it? Did I get to be 36 years only to have it be siphoned off me by my uncertainties? Insecurities? A cursed memory for details? Knee and ankle and hip and foot arch aches?
Or insomnia? It's now 1:58 a.m. I know I'm not helping my cause tonight.
But at least the thunder and lightning have stopped.
5 comments:
@Karin. Montaigne had his tower; you, your patio; I, my kitchen. I agree with your cousin about acquiring more sleep, though. My mother expresses similar concerns for me, as this post shall indicate. As for "joy", we have lived through a decade, with no end in sight, lacking in joyful disposition, just as Montaigne lived thorough that awful 16th Century in France, when Catholic and Protestant tried to butcher each other. No surprise there, or here. I just try to take joy from the simple things in life: family, pets, a good book, etc.
You definitely need sleep so that you can enjoy the many blessings you have named in your post.
In my opinion, true joy is not dependent on sleep or lack thereof. Sometimes we need to just "choose joy" despite our circumstances. Here's what I mean.
I look to my own sister who has two kids with special needs. It's a tough and difficult journey for her. But even with the exhausting hours caring for them and the constant battles of keeping her kids happy and healthy, she always chooses joy. Because she chooses joy, she is content with her life and could not imagine what life would be like without her two kids.
So whenever I get down and discouraged or just plain don't feel joy in life, I just remember my sister and say, "I'm choosing joy!"
I know this is kind of a serious response to your post, but having dealt with depression in the past, I always want to prevent anyone from walking that road if I can. Love ya, sweet Karinola!
PS - Get some sleep!
@klk. After several months I have been afraid that is indeed the road I'm on (don't know it, just think it more often than I'd like) so I'll take all the suggestions I can get. Much appreciated. xo.
I do agree with klk regarding depression. Whether you are, or not, the lack of sleep is most likely aggravating the issue. Have you thought about seeing someone about your sleep issues? Boston is certainly not lacking sleep "experts".
Sending you good wishes from Pipestone!
xoxop
@Mrs. Hansen.
Oy, I am jealous! Summer in the city has a romantic sound to it, but in reality it is just a lot of hot concrete...
Some corn fields and a walk on the square sound like heaven. Give my best to the in-laws.
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