Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Whose job is it....?

Awoke Saturday morning to find this 4 a.m. text from HBI:

" ;-)"
I hadn't thought about HBI in the 4 weeks since we texted each other on the eve of my vacation.  Six weeks since we had ended (abruptly one night in light of his cranky behavior) our series of marathon IM chats.  Pretty much relegated him to the almost-was-but-never-will-be pile.


I returned text Saturday afternoon.  He came back, a moment later, from his vacation spot near Lake Tahoe. We exchanged Gmail addresses.  Saturday night we made and kept an IM chat.  Sunday night we chatted for another 3 hours.  Last night, it ran almost 4, ending when his laptop battery died.

This was and is unexpected.  He's younger (26).  He's a computer programmer with a different life agenda.  I'm fully aware that IM vibe does not always translate into successful in-person. 

And, of course, how much will we like each other in a couple weeks when his vacation ends.

One of our more interesting arguments:  he claims to have liked me immensely, from the start, and was frustrated at how I "rebuffed" his attempts.  I do not recall him ever asking me and claim innocence.

A sample exchange -- which began when he joked that I should be inspired, by his interest, to take photos of myself at the beach and send to him.

Karin:    Hm. We should meet each other first. That would probably help with the inspiration part.

HBI:    I keep begging...

K:   Hm. Not.  When have you begged?

HBI:    I have asked, and suggested, multiple times that we see each other. You repeatedly brush me off though.

K:   Hm. I'll be dead serious with you. I am not recalling any actual request to go out, just lots of insinuation.

HBI:  The night you got blown off [a stand-up I detailed here] I asked if we were going to spend time together soon.  That's about as direct as you can get, I think.

K:  So perhaps I was not taking you seriously, then. Perhaps I thought you were drunk and silly at the time.   At the point previously where we were chatting, I would indeed have met up had I thought you were seriously asking me.

HBI:  heh, I would have been all over it.  I told you I wanted to see you. Told you I wanted you to come see me. I brought it up frequently without putting too much pressure on you. I didn't want to make it difficult to say no.

K:   Ah.  OK, then.   Then I would think we can say I'm not brushing you off. I was probably waiting for the "I'm free on X night. Are you?"  Girls sometimes go for that.

HBI:  Well, I was going to leave the when up to you, since my schedule is always free.

K:   whew. We are a mutually a mass of indirect assumptions, then. Let's just be direct from now on, eh? Girls don't like to ask guys out much, because they think it makes them look lame.   And they tend to think the guy likes to ask, so they wait.....  ;-)

HBI:   Well you are the more mature older woman.   haha, but alright, I will take charge from here on out.  As soon as I get back, I will be asking you out. So, be prepared for that. 

K:    Mature older women like to be asked out. So that works for me.
Funny, this topic came up in our initial chat back on May 24. I had zoned it until today.
K: OK. I do need to go. I, myself, am losing my lovable charm from sitting here so long.

HBI:   Have fun now. If you want there to be a next time, you let me know.

K:   Well, I enjoyed the chat.

HBI:   ditto

K:   Let's do it again. You know where to find me.

HBI: haha, I'll leave it up to you, unless it's really my job.

K:      It is. If I have to educate you in the ways of the world, I will.

HBI:    How traditional of you. I will try to think of a better opening line for next time. Be prepared.

K:   I'm girding the loins already.
But I hadn't been girding anything.  I had been laboring under an OKC veteran's assumption (i.e. glazed with cynicism) that he would follow the trend of 90 percent of correspondents and fail to follow-up.  Meanwhile, he had thought I wasn't interested, because he was waiting for my move .... since older women should want to do the asking.

Which I wouldn't have guessed in a million .... especially since during our last previous chat, on June 2, he was giving me the written equivalent of Death Star decimations.  

Curiouser and curiouser, where this might lead.


NYC expat said...

My two cents worth - I've come across people similar (as similar as two individuals can be) to HBI during my online dating days (which, as interesting as it was while it lasted, I'm relieved to say is now over!). My gut feeling is this person is pretty immature (you seem to have sussed this out already) - if he continues playing this annoying game of email/first-contact-tag with someone he could potentially have an interesting date with. If he were maturer (not necessarily older, but perhaps that would help in this case), he wouldn't need you to point out just how ridiculous the whole "you contact me, otherwise I'll sulk" routine is. Also sense a bit of a drama-queen mentality with this one - that may make him into a time/energy waster if you choose to invest your efforts towards him. Just my sense :-) Really like your blog, by the way!

Justin said...

I'd have to second a bit of what NYC expat is saying...

Karin said...

@NYC expat -- well, glad you like it, and thanks.

Couple thoughts. I think back to a previous sort-of boyfriend whose baggage was ponderous and copious. It was taxing, on a level, but at some point I thought (as this man was), "If a man is 40 years old and doesn't have baggage, that means he hasn't lived enough to be worth it."

In this case, I feel that way about the drama. It is very possible we will meet each other and hate each other in person. Or would quickly tire of each other. Online persona can/is often different than in-person. So I prefer to hold off on that sort of judgment call until at least date #1. Much is usually revealed then.

I'm finding that being older to a younger man, in general, leads to the man being intimidated and not wanting to overstep, which might be part of the issue here, as well.