"Interestingly, in writing this, I realized that even though I've been reading your blog for a long time now, I am not entirely sure whether or not you actually enjoy casual dating, the kind you know won't lead anywhere...? I would guess that you do in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, it sucks energy out of you. Is that right??"(Go back and check it out. She was the first of 3 and all are well-told stories of dating success. Thanks, ladies....)
Veggiegal's comment has indeed given me pause, although not necessarily because I think she is right.
More, it causes me to think of another part of my conversation Sunday night with C-2. I was telling him about my Good Friday coffee date (a situation that for reasons of tact will go unexplored here, except to note that it does not have a long-term component). C-2 is more open to the variety of life than many folks I know...and has proved himself so .... but even he thought I was foolish in this instance. In defending myself, I recall saying, in several different ways at several different times:
"I don't know. I guess my curiosity just got the better of me."And that's the reason I have to wonder if I really am looking for a serious relationship.
Recall, also, that C-2 questioned my intent, even as firmly as I stated it. I've tried to make it a priority in the past. I only lasted a couple weeks before reverting to an approach decidedly more edgy. Which is where I'm still kind of living.
Curiosity does not, indeed, make good company to grow old with. Yet as I reconsider these things this week, I realize how reluctant I am to step away from my curiosity ... the wide variety of people and situations available to a woman my age, in this city, with my particular personality and interests and tastes.
At times this approach has led to aggravation. Time and energy sucking. Lack of sleep. Unsatisfactory ends. Resolution. I've wished for someone to spend nights with, to help pay the mortgage on, to help make decisions I didn't want to make.
But do not serious relationships have the same potential positives and negatives? Are we talking about 2 sides of the same coin?
Perhaps the upshot of all this is I now can recognize the focus required if/when serious is what I want to be.
And now I just have to decide what it is I want to be.