Friday, April 9, 2010

Seriousing up (2) .... ?

This comes from one of this blog's readers (Veggiegal) in response to Wednesday's post: how some recent advice has inspired me to consider what I want regarding "serious dating," and how I'm going about it ... either correctly or not.
"Interestingly, in writing this, I realized that even though I've been reading your blog for a long time now, I am not entirely sure whether or not you actually enjoy casual dating, the kind you know won't lead anywhere...? I would guess that you do in the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, it sucks energy out of you. Is that right??"
(Go back and check it out. She was the first of 3 and all are well-told stories of dating success.  Thanks, ladies....)

Veggiegal's comment has indeed given me pause, although not necessarily because I think she is right.

More, it causes me to think of another part of my conversation Sunday night with C-2.  I was telling him about my Good Friday coffee date (a situation that for reasons of tact will go unexplored here, except to note that it  does not have a long-term component).  C-2 is more open to the variety of life than many folks I know...and has proved himself so .... but even he thought I was foolish in this instance.  In defending myself, I recall saying, in several different ways at several different times:
"I don't know.  I guess my curiosity just got the better of me."
And that's the reason I have to wonder if I really am looking for a serious relationship.

Recall, also, that C-2 questioned my intent, even as firmly as I stated it.  I've tried to make it a priority in the past.  I only lasted a couple weeks before reverting to an approach decidedly more edgy.  Which is where I'm still kind of living.

Curiosity does not, indeed, make good company to grow old with.  Yet as I reconsider these things this week, I realize how reluctant I am to step away from my curiosity ... the wide variety of people and situations available to a woman my age, in this city, with my particular personality and interests and tastes. 

At times this approach has led  to aggravation. Time and energy sucking.  Lack of sleep.  Unsatisfactory ends.  Resolution.  I've wished for someone to spend nights with, to help pay the mortgage on, to help make decisions I didn't want to make.

But do not serious relationships have the same potential positives and negatives?  Are we talking about 2 sides of the same coin?

Perhaps the upshot of all this is I now can recognize the focus required if/when serious is what I want to be. 

And now I just have to decide what it is I want to be.


Anonymous said...

How's that working for you?

veggiegal said...

Hi Karin, haha, what an honor - to be officially mentioned in the blog :) Anyhow, just wanted to say that it sounds to me like you are on an interesting journey now. Exploring what it is we *really* want (in any aspect of life) at any point in time is, in my opinion, as important as it gets.

Also, I wanted to reply specifically to something else you said: "But do not serious relationships have the same potential positives and negatives? Are we talking about 2 sides of the same coin?", and (again) share my own experience. This is how *I* thought about it for most of my dating life (and we're talking 15 years of it...). This includes 4 long term (>1yr) relationships), a couple of proposals that I turned down, and oh so many of the kind that weren't going to go anywhere (sometimes my choice, sometimes not). All of my thinking changed when I met my now spouse. We met nearly 3 years ago now, we have yet to have a fight more serious than "why didn't you take that right turn?". I have experienced NONE of the negatives I have had in all my previous relationships, and that includes the ones I had hoped would turn into a marriage one day. There's been no anxiety about the relationship - ever. There's been mutual and individual growth, and doing things we'd had never done on our own. Not at all two sides of the same coin. So, to answer your question, since I've "been there, done that", I can tell you with absolute certainty that not all long term relationships have the same potential positives and negatives. Some do, for sure. But you can set your standards above that - if you want to. I think what made (and is making) our relationship so stress free, is honest and open communication from day one (I know, cliche, but true), and the fact that we were both on the same page, and really got each other. It's possible. And when it's good, it's ohhh so different. So, I know this is an answer by example, but I am sure if you ask around, those friends of yours who have dated a lot and are now happily married, at least some of them will have had an experience similar to mine - definitely NOT two sides of the same coin, more like a whole different currency :)

Anyhow, I'll be sure to read on as you explore further, and I'll try to refrain in the future from writing comments as long as the original entry ;)