Two lists

This is how I envision the routine of a chronically want-to-quit cigarette smoker :

1) Stop smoking.
2) Eat to fill the holes in the day.
3) Gain weight.
4) Crave nicotine.
5) Succumb to craving.
6) Bum a smoke and smoke it.
7) For 4 minutes, feel better.
8) Feel guilty.
9) Stop smoking.

Tonight -- while it was still light and before the downpour began -- I ran for the first time in 12 days. For 12 days I have either felt unable (sore muscles) or unwilling (no energy) to run.

So I:

1) Stopped running.
2) Ate cereal and crackers at midnight every night like I still had a marathon to get ready for.
3) Gained 5 pounds.
4) Wanted to run so badly I cried at least twice.
5) Felt more able and willing today, so
6) Decided on an easy 4 miles on the Esplanade.
7) Had to re-teach my legs the motion, my lungs the breathing. But for the 10 minutes (of 37) where no muscles protested ... I felt better.
8) Then when I finished, all my muscles did protest, and I felt worse.
9) So I might quit running again.

Or I might not quit.

Actually, no. I won't quit. Sometimes a little pain as the result of an accomplishment of will is OK.