Sunday, November 14, 2010

There must be a pill for ...

.... the stomach ache I've got from my friend ceasing to pull his weight in the friendship, against my wishes.

Not even trying, really.  Or unaware he isn't trying because ... he seems to be unaware he isn't trying.  Busy, maybe, or busy dating someone.  Or maybe working a third job.  I don't know. I don't hear from him anymore.

I know you're thinking ... why even care?

I don't know.

I know I have an insistent urge to pull his weight for him, take the initiative he used to take in a previous life.  Suggest we meet for a beer, even when for a long time he was so rarely available.  And like now, when I'm starting to be doubtful that he'll answer at all.

It's weird, to viscerally want to be with someone who lacks either time or desire to reciprocate.  Especially when last week I spent 3 nights and one coffee hour socializing with friends who do.  One friend had me over for lamb chops and got tipsy with me on a bottle of Syrah. One friend took my suggestion we see live Shakespeare, sat through the 3-hour drama, then bought me a beer before I went home.   After writing this entry I'm off to meet my gay boys for a going-away party.

Yet, while writing this, I click continually back to Gmail and watch my friend be ostensibly available and know that he can see I'm available ... if he wanted to.   I have to restrain myself, really, from writing and saying hi. Aware that I'm afraid to do it and pissed that I am.   Aware he might very well have just chosen to stop caring as much as I don't want to believe he has.

Not supposed to be afraid to say hi to a friend out of fear that it might bother him.

Sad, damn it all.  Sad.

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