Thursday, January 7, 2010

Dichotomy

It's funny.

At the moment you realize you don't feel just ambivalent about the man you're having lunch with (even though he is buying), but really just don't feel the spark at all, and you know for sure you don't ...

... as nice as the man is (and even cute, and even smart and generous) and how much fun your first date was followed by a truly awesome kiss-in-a-frigid-bus-shelter, followed by a second date that was slightly less awesome but redeemed by the solid way he held your hand through the movie, followed by hope that maybe by the time you reconnected with him in person after the holidays you'd overcome the deadening ambivalence creeping in during e-mail conversations growing more and more static despite his continuing assurances that he couldn't wait to see you again and cuddle under a warm blanket ...

... and as much as I whine about wanting a boyfriend and think maybe I should just wait this one out for another date to see what happens and, after yet another 4 weeks of my life spent in fruitless wonder that should leave me feeling disproportionate levels of sad ...

.... all I can feel is relief at recognizing certainty.

Which certainly comes with experience.
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8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should wait it out. The question you should ask yourself is "How is what I've been doing (and my "experience") working for me so far?

If you're expecting fireworks on every date you have with a person, you might be unrealistic in your expectations.

January 7, 2010 at 9:17 PM
Karin said...

@ anonymous.

Hmm. Not requiring fireworks. Just mutual attraction. As we grow to know each other more, I'm sensing we don't have it, general excitement of the first date aside.

I'd be very surprised if he didn't feel the same way.

My suggestion is that the more one dates, the more one can sense when the dynamic is not conducive to continuing.

January 8, 2010 at 10:04 AM
visitor said...

Sigh, this just makes me sad. 'Chemistry', while an important feeling, is so differently understood/perceived by so many people, that it's often like talking apples & oranges. On the one hand, I know of couples who may not 'feel chemistry' in the beginning, but work towards 'developing it as time goes by' argue that when a relationship is new, there is often very little room for fantastic chemistry (simply because the relationship is new, and people are often being guarded etc.) They swear by a model of "if you find up to 60% of desired traits in someone that you like then persevere, and the chemistry/magic will follow and grow out of a sense of mutual caring and appreciation".

Then there are other friends who swear by a model of "if I don't feel it, I can't fake it".

Speaking completely for myself, and being brutally honest, as I've grown older (and yes, found myself wanting to be in a secure & loving relationship), I am surely leaning more towards the first approach.

January 8, 2010 at 4:52 PM
Anonymous said...

Hey Karine,
Sorry to hear that... My own approach is, if I feel chemistry at a kiss or a hug, and look forward to the next call, even if there are no crazy butterflies, it's worth pursuing. Otherwise, if the thought of a kiss feels - well - wrong - then that's that.
Genera question to you: I believe there was no previous mention of this guy on the blog (or did I miss something?), although it seems there were several dates. I am just curious about your approach :
(1)Do you still think of this as primarily a "dating" blog?
(2)Do you ask all your dates immediately for permission to blog about them?
(3)If they say no, and then things don't work out, does that mean you then CAN blog about it?
(4)If you think about this as a blog about dating, ask people on the first date for permission, and don't blog about people who say no (most?), doesn't it skew the feel of the blog?

And for the record, I do like your writing. I think you are quite talented, and would like to see more blogging about dating :)

January 8, 2010 at 6:17 PM
cousin j said...

I support you 100%, Karin. Chemistry aside, you have to at least look forward to his call, email or a date. Butterflies are optional, shouldn't be the dealbreaker, but good conversation? Yes. A must. I agree that with experience comes a quicker ability to tell what's worth a third date. Hang in there. You're on the right track, closer than you have been, I believe, for this knowledge.

January 8, 2010 at 8:06 PM
Anonymous said...

I do not believe what you have been doing is working. Why not take a different approach and try a few more dates after your "experience" tells you not to. What do you have to lose? What is the worst that could happen? He will take you out for dinner/drinks and you can both have a good time (even if there is no chemistry).

January 8, 2010 at 9:15 PM
Marvel Boy said...

Cute and smart and generous and kissy? What a combination! Nonetheless, I applaud your commitment to send back a dinner plate that does not match your palate.

January 9, 2010 at 12:10 PM
Karin said...

RE: "if I feel chemistry at a kiss or a hug, and look forward to the next call, even if there are no crazy butterflies, it's worth pursuing. Otherwise, if the thought of a kiss feels - well - wrong - then that's that."

What's funny with this situation is I did feel this way after our first kiss. It was dynamic. But something (What? Did he say something that annoyed me? Can't remember) happened in our interactions/discussions in the interim between date 1 and 2, which was only 4 days. By the time he kissed me on date 2 I found myself completely ambivalent. Thereafter, when in texts and e-mails he would talk about kissing me, I found the idea of it doing absolutely nothing....

...so who knows. I like the idea, though, of persevering to reach a point of mutual admiration/caring, as "visitor" suggests. I wrote the man on Friday, briefly, just to say thanks, and he wrote back to ask when we might get together again. I'm considering how to answer.

@Anonymous 2: I did briefly mention this man on Dec. 19. Since I've been blogging for awhile I've learned to keep my impressions of a Date #1 a lot more chill; it means less backtracking on my part if it doesn't go on ... and I'm also just trying to be a bit more sensitive about my date's feelings.

As for whether or not this is a "dating blog" exclusively....well, no, on some level it never just has been exclusively that. I do still write about dating, but I don't do it automatically as I used to....mostly because each situation is different. Sometimes the man knows I blog, sometimes not. Sometimes he does and has asked me not to write about it, so I don't. Etc. I don't have a policy and try to play it as the situation dictates.

I've always said this blog is about my life as a single woman in the city trying to figure things out, including my dating life. But not exclusively. So I don't think there is any danger of skewing...because, well, it is already all over the place!

January 10, 2010 at 2:49 PM

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