But I'm still incredulous. (Even though I shouldn't be.)
Incredulous at the number of adult males convinced life would be easier if they just had a girl on the side to sleep with them when they had the time, magically requiring nothing else.
I find this increasingly with online dating. Men for whom a commitment would be a burden. Despite getting along conversationally and us finding each other relatively fascinating -- they have no interest going on a date to see if we get along. They'd like to have me around for a hook-up. If I'm not up for that, they're not up for me.
Today's lunch-hour example: Local. My age. Nice eyes. A skydiving instructor in his spare time. Hit me up to say hi, and we let forth 20 minutes before we got to the crux. (And there is always a crux.)
Naturally. Line in the sand.
Local Man: so how are things going for you on OK?
Karin: OKC and I have a bit of a history. It goes in fits and starts.
LM: i hear that
K: How about you?
LM: well I signed up a while ago but then work got very busy so I hadn't checked in a while. just kind of checking it out again now
K: I always like hearing the honest male perspective about the site.
LM: it's been ok i guess, have only met one person
K: I have met some normal, non-crazies on here.
LM: well that's good. I have faith that there are a few normal people left in the world haha
K: Well, I worry about that more and more the older I get... ;-) But, me too.
LM: haha, yes thats true. so are you looking for something more serious or casual?
K: Well, to be blunt. I have been-there-done-that with casual, at least for now.
LM: i hear ya
K: I am definitely trending wanting something more regular. "serious" might not be the word. Serious sounds too scary.
K: "serious" -- amazingly at this age -- seems to scare the shit out of most guys I've talked to.
LM: yes I'm sure
K: What about you?
LM: Well to be honest, I think with my schedule at this point, I think something a bit more casual
I should know better ... but would you believe I actually tried to sound rational and persuade him in a different direction?
We stayed all dignified and respectful, but the result was the same.
K: this isn't a criticism but just an observation ..... why does "casual" always seem like an easier option to people? I find it rather stressful!Yes, folks. I still have it on there.
LM: i can understand that too. seems so non committal
LM: but I just think with how my work schedule is and planning on going ... to teach skydiving for a few weeks, that I wouldn't want to lead anyone in the wrong direction. not being able to be there for someone the way a person should be ... I wouldn't want to start something and then say, oh by the way I'm going away for a few weeks
K: But wouldn't it be great to just go into meeting someone and seeing what happened first, before deciding what you wanted out of it?
LM: yes that's true but again, you don't want to lead anyone on or make them feel like they have wasted their time
K: I understand where you're coming from. But just being upfront about your schedule should usually cull the field. If she can't deal with the 3 weeks away then you wouldn't want her around, anyway, eh?
LM: true. but i think that also limits the potential
K: You asked me about my experiences on here ... and almost every guy I talk to has a reason upfront for wanting to have a casual relationship. And it seems to also limit the potential.
K: Why not just meet someone and see what the possibilities are? Then go from there.
LM: well again you just want to be upfront about it
LM: especially if someone has Casual in their profile. Good to ask.
I also have 100 other things in my profile. Including "looking for a long-term relationship." And he didn't ask me about being Lutheran.
K: True. Good idea. So what is your definition of "casual?"The fantasy of every man.
LM: just someone who is comfortable getting together when they have time and having some mutual fun together ...
Every man, perhaps, who hasn't tried it yet.
K: Got it. Well I've done that. I can understand the appeal.What I love is his suggestion that he's unusual for wanting to have sex without commitment. If he were a woman on OKC, approached by men across the age spectrum for exactly that ...
LM: and i understand it's not for everyone. hence why i ask upfront
K: Did you hit me up because I listed casual?This is where I'm always lost in the male rationale. If he likes my profile and my pictures, why wouldn't he want something more?
LM: well I liked your profile and your pictures and was curious to see what you were open to
Our discussion went for a bit about how not very many women list casual as an option. I tried to explain my relative dilemma at doing so.
K: There are some fine lines to being a woman here. I get almost ZERO hits if I take casual out of my profile. I used to have it on there, had some experiences, kind of got it out of my system. So I took it off. Like I said....no hits. Not even views. So I put it back on.Thus, we ended. Amicably, yes. Agreeing that if either of us changed our minds about what we were looking for, we should reconnect.
LM: i can understand that
K: hence why I reacted like I did when you brought it up.
LM: but it might save you from having waste of time conversations if that isn't something you are looking for
K: Well it is a matter of then having no conversations at all...;-) Trying to find the middle ground, I guess. Still working on it.
But, neither of us are any better off for having found each other both date-able and desirable. A lunch hour I'll never get back.
Perhaps I'm naïve thinking I could persuade him by saying I've tried casual relationships and, that while sometimes they work and are often fun for a time, they are no easier than being in love or being committed. They still can take up your time, still can make it hard to sleep a good-night's sleep, still can be rife with unfulfilled expectations.
(P.S. Being naïve isn't easy, either.)