One of the homework assignments for the BHI class this week was to spend a flat 20 minutes per day, 4 days straight, doing focussed, uninterrupted writing about situations of feeling "wronged."
The purpose is to get on paper those circular thoughts pinging around in my head, distracting with their negativity. It's thought that if released and articulated, they do less harm and leave room in the head for something cleaner. Perhaps even a sense of resolution.
On Saturday, from my perch at Thomas Park, I went on a tear about how C-2 took our friendship to a new level, and then away, and then kinda-sorta-back and then away, and why I can't let go of him even when recognizing all this.
On Sunday, I sat on the grass behind Castle Island, jets from Logan taking off overhead, and parsed out my resentment at yet another guy friend I once dated -- whose criticisms about my personality flaws wounded me when he made them and, months later, they still linger.
This deliberate stream-of-consciousness writing -- by hand and pen, for author's eyes only -- was a frequent exercise in writing classes of yore. The time limit cuts down on constant self-censoring. The quick-edit function of typing is banished. Limiting the audience means limiting the thoughts of how the writing will be perceived.
My hand hurt when I finished, and I can't say I necessarily felt better griping on paper rather than just to my own consciousness. But it was true: seeing circular, persistent thoughts in word form does remove some of the abstract hopelessness they can carry. Doing this the last 2 days, despite my resentment of the subjects, indeed did bring some sense of joy.
So, starting next Monday and continuing on subsequent Mondays until I lose steam, I will do just that for this blog - take 20 minutes and handwrite some aspect of the weekend -- positive or negative, depending -- then transcribe it for the screen.
Unedited, I promise.
(I'm also toying with the idea of asking if readers want to join me in this exercise and perhaps contribute for publication in this space. Let me know if this sounds plausible, feasible, or crazy.)